The Magic Woodworkings of a Stimulus Plan

The stimulus plan has all the creeps coming out of the woodwork, most of them tossing everything - including the kitchen sink - at the Obama administration cause day wont day monies!

Las Vegas, which by some accounts already glitters, wants $2 million for neon signs.

Boynton Beach, Fla., is looking for $4.5 million for an "eco park" featuring butterfly gardens and gopher tortoises.

And Chula Vista, Calif., would like $500,000 to create a place for dogs to run off the leash.

These are among 18,750 projects listed in "Ready to Go," the U.S. Conference of Mayors' wish list for funding from the stimulus bill moving through Congress. The group asked cities and towns to suggest "shovel ready" projects for the report, which it gave to Congress and the Obama administration.

Let's just call bullshit on all that fuckery. Now and forever.

You want to dance around the money game? You want to propose projects the Federal Government should fund? Fine: line item how much it should cost and how many jobs it will create. If you get that money and do not create those jobs, you are accountable for creating those jobs within 2 months. If you do not create those jobs, you lose 50% of funding to the state until you do.

Accountability. How are we going to get anything done if it's just a bunch of liars and cheats?

Answer: we won't.

Sarah PAC - Here We Go. Again.

Sarah Palin has started her own PAC with the stated purpose of "building America's future, supporting fresh ideas and candidates who share our vision for reform and innovation."

The actual purpose, of course, is part of the "Pack it in like Kobayashi" strategy so that in three years she can shit out an Alaska-sized hunk of political capitol all over America. Or that's one of the guesses. When asked what a PAC does, Palin only replied "Ms. Pac-Man is sooooo fun!"



Seriously, though, what's up with the logo? Alaska in the middle of the US?

The imagery represents:

• Blowing an Alaska-sized hole in the breadbasket of America "'cause carbs just don't sit well on my hips."
• "Alaska's big and America is big so that means I'm qualified to be President."
• "When I'm President, this is the area we'll fence off for all America's enemies."
• "Swimming pool!"
• "I can see North Dakota from my house."

But those are just a couple thoughts. What are yours?

Kinda Like Tripping

Stare at this for the minute or so it runs, then look at stuff and you might get a 5% feeling of what it's like to trip for 20 seconds or so.

Don't watch if you have any issues with seizures!

Barack Obama - Fuck Yeah

Unexpectedly ran into this wonderousness earlier today.



Fuck yeah.

(via DothBrands via Inauguration)

How Voter Fraud Can Follow You

Two days ago, on my Twitter account, I commented on the fact that Ken Blackwell, walking example of both voter fraud and questionable interests in DieBold from the notorious 2004 election (He pushed the no-paper-trail electronic machines in Ohio, then was found to have investments in them) had created a Twitter account.

I said:

That fraud, that traitor of a human being, Ken Blackwell, has a Twitter. http://twitter.com/kenblackwell

WTF to my surprise, yesterday, I was greeted with this:



At the very least, that guy's got his social online thing going on, even if his financial interests at the time cost Democrats the 2004 election.

But he's still a horrible person. And fuck if I'll follow his antics.

February 3rd - Blogroll Amnesty Day

Link love, get down, do it right.



Thanks BlueGal!

Pork Chop Sandwiches - G.I. Joe

Hit this at the end of a tedious task and - damn, this is funny, even if it's a bit aged. But I guess because it's retro...sorry. Just watch the 'toon.



Tidbit: I found it again because I want to make pork chop sandwiches for dinner. Srsly.

T-Shirt Hell Shutting Down

I've been a fan of T-Shirt Hell for many years now and am sad to see they are closing their doors.

We're sorry to bring the news that T-Shirt Hell will be closing its doors on Tuesday, Feb 10, 2009. Everything is now on sale during our final days.

For a message from the creator of TSH, Sunshine Megatron, go here. To view our final new shirts, plus 14 shirts we are bringing back as a thank you to everyone (including some of the best of our old Worse Than Hell section), go here.

It's been a deliciously wicked ride. Devilspeed to all who supported us.

(Customer service on all orders will continue for 60 days beyond our close date.)

Visit. Purchase. Weep.

And, hey, my birthday's coming up. My fav?



(and the obligatory social marketing one as well)

XL on black ;)

T-Shirt Hell, you will be missed. Never forget. :'(

RatherGood.com - The Cure - LOLCats

OMFG

Haggard Going Down (Again)

The enchantment of dick-suckin' lips

It was almost two years ago that I batted around the Ted Haggard dirty homo meth story. Please note that Ted Haggard has opened himself up to the ridicule I ladle upon him because he is a hypocritical monster of a human being. When you're an evangelical megachurch pastor and shit grin your way to stardom by a doctrine of clean livin' and how homosexuals are going to hell and then trade drugs for gay sex and when you are caught try to shrug off culpability by saying you have a drug problem and hiding in rehab, you deserve a shitstorm of pain.

Well, it appears that our pastor cum persona non grata has another skeleton hiding in the closet with him. Looks like Haggard buggered a 20-year old male volunteer to the church. Say it ain't so, Ted.

Oh, he does. Kinda.

There was a little sumpin-sumpin going on, it came out at a low level or he knew it would come out, he met with his wife and the man to apologize for an in appropriate relationship and then the church paid the guy for moving expenses, counseling fees, and his college tuition. And Teddy bear says there was no physical contact.

Exactly. Because he was so fucking forthcoming last time. Clinton never inhaled and Haggard never swallowed. That's why there's egg on his face. Well, maybe it's not egg...

The only conclusion that can be drawn from these events, encounters, and bald-faced lies is that Ted Haggard doesn't truly, deep within his heart, believe one goddamned bit of the drivel he's been preaching for years. For if he did, he would act in such a way as one does when they have a conviction that one day they will have to answer to the God of the friggin universe for their transgressions.

Or maybe he's at peace with an eternity of hell for a little cock. Or a lot of cock - he's still young and there's a lot more tail (between the legs) to be had.

Why I Removed My Tongue Piercing

2001 - 2009

The other night, I just took it out.

Around eight years I held that stud in my mouth, originally put there by my wife. It was time.

I guess the main reason I removed my tongue piercing was that after all that time, it's inevitable - even if you're careful - that you're going to chip a tooth or two. I was working on my third. The reason I held onto it for so long is a different story.

As soon as I was eighteen I drove downtown to have my left nipple pierced. I may have almost passed out, but I was hooked. Soon after was my first tattoo. After I met my wife, she pierced my tongue, then my right nipple. Before we were married we each sat for almost 8 hours to get the same piece: I on my right upper arm and her on her back. I'm still aching for another tat.

About four years ago, I removed the nipple rings. My nipples were sensitive before and piercings added a level of sensitivity that was actually beyond comfortable or pleasurable. Turns out, after the removal, they're at the exact level of sensitivity I was hoping for with the piercings.

But the tongue.

The tongue I held onto. I mentioned in a recent post that I'm soon to turn 32, and I think my holding onto my tongue piercing was a holding onto something edgy, something youthful, not that I think having one's tongue pierced makes one edgy or young.

Some of the logic I was mulling through said that cunnilingus was why I was holding on to that archive of my life. Why do I have my tongue pierced? Wink wink.

I realized the other night, in one single moment, that the flash, the edge was not in my piercing, it was in me, my charm, my personality. My talent was not in the stud, but in the tantalizing undulations of my tongue. "So you can make me come that doesn't make you Jesus." No, but at maybe St. Peter. Would you like to see my St. Peter?

Basically, it was a question of Samson in reverse. Samson believed - didn't God tell him? - all his power was derived from the length of his hair. And when his hair was cut off, his power was gone.

I realized my power was not in my "hair" but in me.

Then again, I've been trimming my "hair" for many years. Makes the power look bigger, they say.

So goodbye tongue piercing. I will miss you only in the funny way my mouth feels in your absence. You may have helped flick the bean, but the muscle was all mine. And that talent remains.

OMG! Earthquakes in California?

Next month I'll be 32. As I would guess my hard-issue mind for scientific inquiry got rolling about the time I was 7, I've been listening to this shite for some 25 years now.

Large earthquakes have rumbled along a southern section of the San Andreas fault more frequently than previously believed, suggesting that Southern California could be overdue for a strong temblor on the notorious fault line, a new study has found.

Exactly. WTF? Since I was a kid I've seen them; every couple of years, someone comes out with another report saying "Ooh, those California tremors are likely signs of a Long Overdue Event." No shit. The San Andreas Fault is supposed to explode like a golf ball hit with an axe and blow LA into the Pacific. (Yes, I know that's not how plate tectonics works)

I guess it comes down to the idea of worry. Predictions are fine and a wonderful tool, but when it becomes a prediction and a "warning" over and over again it loses all scientific value and turns into panic generation.

CHANGE: Sorry. Ever start writing and have a vague idea of where you're going and then, suddenly, it goes away and you're left with a waning buzz in the back of your skull and a pile of words that has no future? Yeah, that just happened to me. Might have something to do with the trance-inducing "How to Disappear Completely" by Radiohead pouring from the stereo speakers.

Science Tattoos, Without Research

If you are planning on getting a tattoo, at the first inkling, you must be thinking about your artist. Who is going to put permanent ink into your skin? You should probably not run out to the first tattoo shop you find.

Maybe I'm biased because when Mrs. Shambles and I were planning our matching pieces, we dug in deep and found Marty Holcomb working out of Columbus, a brilliant artist who was only taking ink jobs by appointment (yes, I'll add a pic of the finished piece within 2 days - promise).

But when I caught this bit on Discover's website, my first thoughts were "Oh, no, you didn't."



Take the time. Check out Discover's Science Tattoo Emporium. And please, please realize that just because you have a brilliant idea doesn't mean the artist knows what you want or can execute it well.

The bigger the piece, the more research you need to do, the more portfolios you need to view, and know that there is never a better time to say "um, no" than when you see the mock-up of what they are planning. Walk away. Better a pissed-off artist than thousands to remove something you look at a week later and think "WTF?"

Which comes back to the demonstrated art bit. Never let any tattoo artist tell you "everyone I've ever inked has been happy." Of course they're happy, initially. They just let you put permanent ink into their skin. If they admitted to themselves that they were not happy, they would have to admit that they had made a grave mistake, and in the ever-looming interest of self-preservation, I would guess that 99.999% of people who get tattoos, no matter how horrendous, initially claim happiness with the work.

Boil it down, now: Research. If you're a scientist, research more. Find the name of an artist, an actual person. View many, many portfolios. Get a good representation of what will be on your skin. Then - and only then - commit.

Rinse and repeat times the speed of light.

Pickle Pringles

I was going to rant about a crappy experience I had today, but found in my searches that it had already had been done for me.

Check out this post on the Pringles Extreme Screamin’ Dill Pickle.

If you like pickles, if you like Pringles, it just plain sucks. Done. No more than that. I feel so betrayed. I need to take a shower.

UPDATE: No, after a shower, the tennis ball tube in my pantry still haunts me. $2? WTF? I don't even think the pigeons would eat it. I don't even think I have pigeons!

Ah, painful pickle spice, three Pringles down, what to do with the leftover pain?

Darth Vader's Tray

Animation of Eddie Izzard's routine.



Brilliant!

Non-Believers Are Americans Too

Americans who do not fit nicely into an accepted, organized religion box like "Hindu" or "Christian" have found it difficult to legitimize themselves in the eyes of those who live in those boxes. Atheism itself is looked upon as a defect or disease.

Yesterday we saw a change:

For we know that our patchwork heritage is a strength, not a weakness. We are a nation of Christians and Muslims, Jews and Hindus--and non-believers.

In once sentence, non-believers all over America got the kind of boost, a legitimate form of recognition from a world leader, that we were not expecting.

Granted, this fuel will feed the right wing "godless liberal" machine for a long time to come. I think it is a step in the right direction.

Brent's Inauguration Photo

My friend Brent who does not have a blog or a Twitter or a website woke his ass up super early and made it to the Capitol side of the Washington Monument. One more reference and he'll get his own blogger label.

This is the image he sent me.



The reason they're staring away from the Capitol Building is that you can't see anything from that far away and the closest Jumbotron was in that direction. He said, as you'd expect, that it was amazing.

Yes, I am jealous much.

Inauguration - Bestest So Far

Eh, we're at about 4:40 EST right now and I've been witness to over six hours of awesome, some by audio, some by television. And there's still more to go throughout the evening, balls and what-not. Olbermann at 8 should be good.

But I wanted to break in because plopping this down on a Tweet is just not enough.

History, pshaw! The best part of today was when the Bush chopper, Executive One, was circling over the National Mall, and Chris Matthews, the Constant Constitutional Tool, decided to pine poetic and went with "besides seeing so many teeth of happy people smiling today" and continued to speak of the minority makeup of the crowd, voicing amazement that no one seemed pissed or short-tempered that it was cold and everything was taking so long.

Yes, Chris, it's all teeth and eyes and watermelon in a sea of black like that, sippin' on some Courvoisier. And those people would, of course, treat world-history caliber news and being there for that event like they would a long line at an un-air-conditioned BMV. WTF?

Best Matthews gaffe evar.

A Wish and a Hope for Obama

Mall Madness

I look at those images, the Mall in D.C., not one patch of green visible in any direction, the smiling, excited faces, cheering and chanting, and my eyes well up. Partially because I'm excited too, and partially because I see these masses as I might see my own daughter, smitten with a new love.

And I just want to put my hand on his shoulder and say "You've already got our hearts. Please don't break them."

Can't wait for his speech. Because that Nazi Youth Pastor was a little over the top. Ooh, Aretha Franklin!

Dreams of War: A Nuke in Tehran

We were in Iran, in a green valley surrounded by mountains. It was daytime, but overcast. Hundreds of people, spread out, for miles the valley was before us. Everyone was cheering as planes flew overhead, back and forth. In the distance, you could hear gunfire, bombs being dropped.

I was running through the grass, recognizing some of the people, people from high school, and every person I recognized loved war, lauded the first Gulf War, some had even gone on to the military. And they were all cheering. And hugging. And smacking each other on the back as the planes buzzed us in the valley.

And I was cheering too. I was excited, jumping, running, hugging. And as I smacked the back of one of my other jovial celebrants, I asked "so who's delivering the nuke?"

"US Army," he replied.

Then, suddenly an overhead view of a map and a missile falling straight for Tehran.

My alarm clock woke me at 4:10am with that entire scene to run over and over again in my head. I don't believe I've ever had a dream that could be called a premonition, but when they're as vivid and memorable as that one was, it rattles you.

I knew politically we would never drop a nuke on Tehran. But Israel would. And our involvement with Israel is so tight, who's to say we wouldn't deliver it and allow Israel to take credit?

Sorry. Overthinking. Hell of a thing to wake up to on inauguration day, huh?

Dear God - XTC

I just heard Sara McLachlan cover of XTC's "Dear God" and thought you might like a taste of the original. I haven't heard it in a few years and it still gives me chills as shuddering as when I first heard it.

No Pants Subway Ride 2009

Improv Everywhere is brilliant. Always.



Now if we could just get something like this together in Cincinnati.

Bruce Wilson - First Homophobe, then...Hitler?

I stayed out of the conversation when it first began about Bruce Wilson - and his ideas about turning gay people straight - being the voice of the opening prayer before the Presidential Inauguration. I vehemently disagree with the man on both a scientific and ideological basis on that topic, but ban him from the inauguration? Jesus himself reached out to misguided fools, why not Obama (hold the bus, Gus: I'm not saying Obama is Jesus or even holy)?

[I'm pretty curious where the outrage is over there being a prayer at all. What does God and Jesus have to do with the political process of swearing in a President? Why does the swearing in happen on a Bible? Tradition? Slavery was a tradition but Barack won't be shackled. Why not swear on your own heart?]

But now, in my opinion, Bruce Wilson has pushed the line of what I would consider questionable, misguided belief and turned it all the way around to negligible, hateful ignorance. He says that if American Christians could be as dedicated to God as the Hitler Youth were dedicated to Hitler that - wait, what? Really? Holy shit.

But don't take my word for it. Huff's got the video:



This is were we bring out the Bo Peep crook and pull that bastard off the stage. Now.

The Weather Outside, It's Frightful

It is pretty dang cold here in Cincinnati. My Weather Channel widget says 12 F, and wind chill is about -3 F.

Note to all news media:

I understand that things are a little dry news-wise until Obama's start next week, with about 1000 dead in Gaza and us still sending Americans to die in Iraq and Afghanistan, but please keep in mind that during Winter months it gets fucking cold. Surprise! It's mid January and it's fucking freezing. Shit! Just like last year and the year before that and, well, as far back as I can remember. Why? It's winter! And it won't go away until March - or May if you live in Cleveland.

So take the icicle out of your puckered asshole, take a breath, and stop making everyone so batshit crazy over something that's normal.

And don't even get me started on the OMG-it's-cold anti global warming asshats. Yeah, Drudge, I'm talkin' to you.

Flavors of Nigeria, Direct Response Email

Once, a while back, I tried to have some public fun with spam scams. Unfortunately, it was a fail as I was apparently too boisterously excited about getting more information and did not get a response back. The mouse did not keep moving so I could whack it again.

Since I don't have the time or energy to craft a response letter that is invigorated by the prospect of free money yet not too over-the-top, I've been going with a different tack.

Today I got this email:

Sir,

I am Dr. Garrett Kenneth, a member of independent committee of eminent person {icep} and I wish to notify you that You can be listed as Heir to the total sum of (Twelve million six hundred thousaund United states dollars) in the codicil and last testament of the deceased. I contacted you because you bear the surname identity and therefore can present you as the Heir to the inheritance funds.

I therefore reckoned that you could receive these funds as you are qualified by your name identity. All the legal papers will be processed in your acceptance. In your acceptance of this deal, we request that you kindly forward to me your letter of acceptance; your current telephone and fax numbers and a forwarding address to enable me file necessary documents at our high court probate division for the release of this sum of money.

Please indicate your interest immediately for us to proceed. I shall feed you with full details of this transaction and my particulars upon receipt of your reply towards this proposal.


I look forward to hearing from you.

Yours Faithfully,
Dr. Garrett Kenneth.

What a douche. "independent committee of eminent person {icep}"? Seriously? It shows me "Dr. Garrett Kenneth (kenneth@telefonica.net)" for the email, but reply-to is set at "drkennethgarrett@rediffmail.com" (feel free to spam the bastard), and rediffmail.com is an India email website.

Anyway, my past replies to these emails (Yes, I reply to every one) have been very simple and focused and along the lines of "May the pain you inflict be visited upon you tenfold." If nothing else, I'm looking at curse psychology and the quite suffering of someone with a conscience.

Today I was feeling a little randy and replied with:

I hope you are gang-raped by a pack of wild, syphilitic hyenas and slowly eaten alive when they are done.

And I think I've already put together my next one:

As Jesus once said: Go fuck yourself until you bleed to death.

Thoughts?

Sorry for the Gap

I've been working non-stop on my business over the last few days, redesigning the site, extending myself on social networks, and extending those social networks the way the need to be extended.

Which is why I've been a bit absent.

Not that that's a good excuse for you, my fair reader, but perhaps a reasonable explanation.

And for that, your patience, you get my man purse, also known as a "murse:"



Yeah, you love it.

Okay, maybe not that great. How about my fav?



Now that's love.

Jones' Big Ass Truck Rental & Storage

I was hoping so badly that this was real. Even the website is well done - by that I mean appropriate - for what it's supposed to be.

Alas, the site is hosted by Big Dog Eat Child, a sketch comedy troupe.

Keep it real Jones. Keep it real.

Night Owls Are More Creative

From Wired:

2 // Night owls are more creative.
Artists, writers, and coders typically fire on all cylinders by crashing near dawn and awakening at the crack of noon. In one study, "evening people" almost universally slam-dunked a standardized creativity test. Their early-bird brethren struggled for passing scores.

Things suddenly make much more sense, like when I learned that there is a distinctive difference between people who organize sequentially (think file cabinet) and spatially (think pile on my desk). I'm not sloppy, just spatial; I'm not lazy, I just have an innately different balance to my circadian rhythms due to my creative nature.

Vince from ShamWoW for Slap Chop - Yes!

Vince from ShamWoW is back, but this time he's selling us a Slap Chop that comes with a free Graty. After the video I go into a brief analysis of this commercial as though critiquing a director or artist. If the idea of that makes you kinda want to vomit, even if it's tongue-and-cheek, I would advise avoidance.



Overall, I like it. But I don't think it delivers like the first one did. ShamWoW had a raw, gritty edge, like Hammas tossed Vince into a bright studio, took of his blindfold, turned on the camera and said "Sell!" It was real. Slap Chop is a little too overproduced. The overdub on ShamWoW "this lasts 10 years" was endearing because of how obvious it was, but Slap Chop's got overdubs tossed in to try to be cute. I'd call this a textbook sophomore effort but with a touch of lost charm the way I lost my love of Dashboard Confessional when he got signed.

But I did say I liked it. It was still Vince, still his charm, even if the scripting is apparent this time around. He references himself with a slight mug to the camera how he "can't do this all day," but the best line by far is "You're gonna love my nuts." Just kind of catches you off guard.

Sophomoric, but enjoyable if you're a fan. Looking forward to more of his work.

Oh, and I almost forgot. I'm going to have to get one of those Slap Chops myself. I had the original tool from Pampered Chef, but put the plastic piece on the bottom of the dishwasher and now it works kind of retarded. Go Slap Chop!

Allergies, "Medicine," and Bullshit

Reminds me of how my sister describes clearing a dog's anal sacks.

When I was seven or eight years old, I recall my aunt and uncle got a cat. Romeo. It was a cutie, orange, and relatively personable. It was at that time (was I really never exposed to cats before that?) when I realized I was pretty allergic to cats. Sure, the visit would start out great and I'd have good times playing with my cousins, but then, an hour and a half into it, an intense itching would begin between my chin and my Adam's apple, an itch I still get and equate with "Awww shit. Here it comes." By hour three or four, we were about ready to go, the sneezing was uncontrollable, and my eyes were itching and puffy. I took the red Sudafed, a pill I still occasionally take, and spent the 40 minute ride home zoned out, head back, sinuses draining down my throat.

Fast forward to high school where my parents finally fold and we get a dog. Bailey, an adorable beagle/collie mix. I recall the trip home from the animal shelter I spent with my head back, sinuses draining down my throat. Soon after, we got two cats, Nala and Kala. I guess it was a little rough at first, but as anyone with allergies to animals who has animals can tell you, your body gets relatively used to your own.

College afforded me my first two kitties, Dorian and Godot (English nerd!), that I still have. I guess I was allergic to them too, but I spent a lot of time in college drunk, and when you stifle your immune system, you stifle your body's response to allergens.


Godot is the puffball.

With Mrs. Shambles, we have acquired Gracie, a brindle lab/boxer/pit that is part lap dog, part goat, and part gazelle.

A short time after I met Mrs. Shambles, she convinced me to set up an appointment with an allergist. Like the eye doctor saying "Okay, now read that line without squinting," Mrs. Shambles explained to me that I constantly sniffle. And it was true. So I set off to the allergist and came home with a test result that seemed to have a lot of answers: 39 out of 41 positive results, severely allergic to dogs, very allergic to cats.

So we started with the meds, which really just displaced an almost unconscious and chronic usage of Sudafed or Benadryl. At first it was Flonase and Allegra. Allegra didn't do shit for me, so we went to Zyrtec, then discovered Alavert. Floated on that for a couple years until I started waking up in the middle of the night unable to breathe. Nocturnal asthma or some crap like that is what they called it, so about a year and a half ago I had gotten to Flonase at lunch, Loratadine (gen. Alavert) at dinner, Singulair late evening, and a Proventil inhaler when necessary.

Yesterday, my allergist said she didn't like that my breathing was not optimal in winter. So you see all that shit I just listed? We're adding Symbacort twice daily on top of all that to see how it works if in 2 weeks we knock off Singulair.

In the last 24 hours I've taken 5 different medications related to breathing and allergies. And I think it's bullshit. Part of the bullshit is that NOT ONE of those medications - as is the case with the basis of the pharmaceutical industry - is fixing the problem. They are all there to manage different aspects of a lovely cocktail of symptoms. And I've been given two other options: Allergy shots which, after several thousand dollars, may do little more than douse my symptoms a bit, or living in a bubble-like environment and getting rid of my pets and vacuuming daily and pulling my fucking hair out when The Weather Channel puts the pollen count to yellow. I know those people. I'm not those people.

We can map the human genome, program goats to make spider silk, and reinvent Britney Spears' career, but we can't address the underlying mechanism of allergies? We're still in the "schools of thought" phase with this? The most ferocious part of my being is my immune system? WTF?!?

So until the science community decides to poop sock it and level up their understanding of how this basic mechanism works, I have decided to dig into the mind-body end of things. I am a big proponent of the power of the human mind and the control, if refined and practiced, that it has over the body. I can get rid of heartburn by placing a finger on my neck where my clavicles meet; I can clear a stuffy nose in 3 minutes of concentration. Why not allergies?

I'm also attacking the psychological end. Perhaps these issues are - at least partially - psychologically based. Mental blockages, lack of flow, eddies of stagnancy that need a good cleaning. I've found a great book to help me on my way. I'll let you know how it is and how I do on my journey. Because "medicine" is not curing me, 4-5 maintenance meds is no way to live, and while remaining inebriated may have its good points, it's not really productive for my business, marriage, or liver.

Maybe marijuana would work for allergies. There are some reports about its effectiveness on skin allergies. Time may come for an unofficial study...

Tim and Eric Awesome Show Great Job!

Yes, it is awesome.

And Behind the DCup We have...

I do enjoy the folks I follow, the folks in my Linktastica! and everyone in this community. Every once in a while there is a ripple in the pool in the yard of the blogosphere, and today (or this past Sunday), DCup, best known to me over at PoliTits, closed up all her shops and consolidated her undergarments and has dropped the pseudonym and can now be found over at That's Why just being herself.

Congrats, Lisa. I like your new space and am happy to see you even more comfortable than before. Linktastica! updated. Just for you.

Holy Batshit Coulter!

I have to give Harry Smith credit for his playful masochism in bringing Ann Coulter to the show, and immediately take it away from him for allowing this batshit crazy loon to pimp her whiny victim book.

Best line "You should have a cross." Watch it.


Watch CBS Videos Online

...and boo to me for posting it and spreading the virus. But it is funny.

Ricky's Wisdom Today - 1/6/2009

"I, without grasping, will pass beyond sorrow,
And I will attain nirvana," one says.
Whoever grasps like this
Has great grasping.

-Nagarjuna; Mulamadhyamaka-Karika

It's Been a Couple Days...

So it's been a couple days since I've been around. Part of it is the back and forth with the holidays and part of it is genuine apathy. I've been up and down about the layoff, fluctuating between not wanting to get off the couch and a "go get 'em" attitude (today's a little more "go"), and I've been getting all my ducks in a row for a massive contact push today because while the economy is stinking it seems everyone I would like to speak with had the last two weeks off.

Aside from growing the client list, it is good to have the house back. Empty, I mean. Love the family dearly, but the work day is sometimes the only time I get to myself. Which should really change this year.

No, this is not the time to go into resolutions for 2009. Some goals, some desires, maybe tomorrow.

The blog itself is not going to change much except to say that I'll have at least one post up daily - I know; I've been skipping more and more lately. I'm still sensing a minor remainder of political hangover, an apathy in its own right, and will be booting back up politically in the coming days, especially with the inauguration already being pushed to our lips like television's dripping teat.

Watched several movies over the holidays, so I've got some reviews coming up, some fantastic restaurants who deserve a write-up over on that business blog I -occasionally- write, more sex content, and the normal decrying of douchebaggery all 'round.

Happy New Year.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I've got to go get 'em.

Joke of the Day - Catholic Heart Attack

Sometimes unwanted emails from acquaintences aren't sanctimonious, pseudo-patriotic tripe.

A man suffered a serious heart attack and had an open heart bypass surgery. He awakened from the surgery to find himself in the care of nuns at a Catholic Hospital .

As he was recovering, a nun asked him questions regarding how he was going to pay for his treatment. She asked if he had health insurance.

He replied, in a raspy voice, "No health insurance."

The nun asked if he had money in the bank.

He replied, "No money in the bank."

The nun asked, "Do you have a relative who could help you?"

He said, "I only have a spinster sister, who is a nun."

The nun became agitated and announced loudly, "Nuns are not spinsters! Nuns are married to God.

The patient replied, "Then send the bill to my brother-in-law."

Guitar Hero Xmas

This Christmas was, as it always is, an endeavor. Two xmas eves, two xmas days, xmas on Saturday. Joy.

But I did receive, from my parents, Guitar Hero World Tour with a dual guitar setup: 2 Les Paul wireless guitars for my 360.

Tasty. Love it.

Questionable news is that because I'm functionally tied to the computer trying to build my business, Little Shambles has seriously become a rock star. She's unlocked like 20 songs on career mode on medium.

And I still can't hit 100% on easy on any song I've tried.

I guess I'll get good next week when I still don't have enough work to keep rolling and need some distraction other than worrying about the mortgage.

For those of you who haven't heard: I'm running a professional web development and web marketing company. And I'm awesome. Contact me. Reasonable pricing includes search engine friendly design. Best practices.

Yay xmas!

Miller's Gospel

1:1
And the Angels heralded me. And they herded me. And one named Camael came forward from the masses and ushered me through the door of the Kingdom, held the door open and slammed it shut behind me.

1:2
I looked back, then forward. The hall was dark and dank and smelled of frankincense, like Catholic church as a boy. At the end of the close hall, I followed a set of musty, stone stairs. Downward.
Downward?

1:3
At the end of the stairs, a small daemon pushed me forward towards another door. I pushed it open. I walked through. Candles lit the enormous chamber. As I turned around, the door behind me was slammed shut.

1:4
The chamber was wide. Open. I knew inherently that it was God's home. At the back of the chamber was a throne. It was empty. I wept.

1:5
"Why is God, my only hope of salvation, gone?" I cried.
The throne was empty.
Silence.
Then:
"Oh, I'm here."
"Huh? But where -"
"Why do you -"
"Why can't I see you?!" I shouted
Silence.
"Why do you need to think I would sit in a throne?"
"I didn't. I was brought here."
Silence.
"Listen to yourself," said the voice. "This is your place, not mine. Your idea, not mine. Your throne, not mine.
"Which is why I am not in it."

1:6
I wandered the room, wondered about the spectacle that was not a spectacle. Pillars of stone surrounded the throne and I wondered, for the first time, where reality was sitting as the throne itself disappeared, the pillars turning to dust.
The room disappeared.
I wept.

1:7
Again, the voice, in the darkness:
"There is no church. There is no steeple. There is no room. There is no God."
I paused at the last.
"What do you mean, 'There is no God?' I'm here. You're here. I'm speaking to you, I'm..."
"There are no words for me. God. Allah. El. Jehovah.
"All naming the nameless."

1:8
"But I have no reference," I shouted to the nothing.
"But you do," it said.
"You love.
"So you know.
"You don't need a throne and you don't need domination and you - and the world - don't need anything more than it desires or wants or can make due with.
"You already have everything.
"Make it good."

1:9
"But that isn't an answer," I shouted to the nothing.
"Then what is?"
And silence.

1:10
And it was done. And I realized it myself, sitting in front of a computer, typing words, and I hoped it was enough for me and prayed it was something for someone else.

Stream of What?

I just spent 4 hours driving from Cleveland to Cincinnati and as soon as I got back it was unload, unload, unload, and when we got that done it was unpack, unpack, unpack, and the cats seemed okay despite 5 days alone, so that was good, changed their box, but Mrs. Shambles is sick and I can't do anything directly to help her except perhaps some reiki but that's about energy not viruses and some pills and that's what I just gave her and I'm on the computer looking up unemployment benefits instead of sitting with her and watching tee vee, she's sniffling, and sneezing, and coughing but I keep on with the computer thinking that if I just keep going, keep moving, keep looking up information on the internets, then perhaps, just perhaps, everything will be clear, clear as the glass of our front window.

But the glass of our front window is smeared with dog slobber. And even with crystal clarity, all you see is "outside." And that is reality. And that can be scary. And maybe, just tonight, we'll pretend it's just blackness outside, turn on the tree, and make ourselves comfortable. Just comfortable. And then, maybe, we'll finally be back home.

Ann Coulter's Christian Failings

From the inane mind of the bigot Coulter comes a lovely Christmastime email entitled "My Triumph Over Kwanzaa!" It begins:

Is it just me, or does Kwanzaa seem to come earlier and earlier each year?

This year, I believe my triumph over this synthetic holiday is nearly complete. The only mentions of Kwanzaa I’ve seen are humorous ones. Most important, for the first time in eight years, President George Bush appears not to have issued "Kwanzaa greetings" to honor this phony non-Christian holiday that is younger than I am.

It is a fact that Kwanzaa was invented in 1966 by a black radical FBI stooge, Ron Karenga, aka Dr. Maulana Karenga. Karenga was a founder of United Slaves, a violent nationalist rival to the Black Panthers and a dupe of the FBI.

First, I'd like to set something into context for Ann:

It is a fact that Christmas was invented by the Catholic Church, a holiday to celebrate the birth of a man for whom proof of existence is entirely lacking except in ancient manuscripts that attribute him with otherworldly powers of creating matter out of nothing, raising the dead, and his own resurrection, as well as a following that eats flesh and drinks blood. This season, originally pagan nature celebrations and Roman holidays, was usurped by said Church in order to exert its power over all of Europe and, eventually, the world.

Sanctimonious pseudo-zealotry over supposed Christian ideals as a supplement and bolster to supposed American ideals with a basis in the derision of another person's belief and culture serves only to eliminate the validity of those Christian ideals. It is not sexy, intelligent, or work as any form of humor.

In other words, Ann Coulter has proven in three paragraphs that she is a Christian in name only.

Greta Van Susteren: Sucker

In one of my Yahoo groups, someone sent me this link to Fox News's Greta Van Susteren's blog. It is entitled "Did you know this?" and begins like this:

** LIFE IN THE 1500′S ***

The next time you are washing your hands and complain because the water temperature isn’t just how you like it, think about how things used to be. Here are some facts about the 1500s:

Most people got married in June because they took their yearly bath in May, and still smelled pretty good by June. However, they were starting to smell, so brides carried a bouquet of flowers to hide the body odor. Hence the custom today of carrying a bouquet when getting married.

For those of you who have been visiting the internets for more than fifteen minutes, you might recognize this bit of misinformation, almost 10 years old now, that has been circulating through uninformed emails and blog posts.

To be clear: here is the Snopes page declaring this to be foolishness.

This tells me two things:

1. Greta Van Susteren is gullible and does not put much faith in even basic research.
2. If it wasn't for the remedial modicum of fact-checking and integrity that does exist in the bowels of Fox News, it would be an even more absurd network and viewing experience.

Hidden gem: check out Greta's blog comment by RU4REAL a little ways down. Seems retired teachers who are fans of Fox News are also susceptible to repeating emails.

Getting Laid Off

It couldn't happen to me - not right at Christmas - until it did.

It wasn't a surprise except that it lasted this long. The owner of the business had been running it into the ground for years. That's what happens when you continually fail to deliver and consistently late to meetings (him, of course, not me). People left and weren't replaced, including sales and - for now - they're going into hibernation mode.

The good news is that I run my own web design and marketing company and have a couple clients to lean on with that. So we're not dead, just bleeding. Yeah. Not drowning, but waving.

So if you enjoy this blog and know anyone looking to build or redesign or market their website, go ahead and click that profile and send me an email. Mrs. Shambles and I will appreciate it.

Holy Fucking See Popehat! The UN?!

Some nuances of international relations do escape my grasp, that "good handle" I feel I have from time to time. I was skimming over the Vatican News Release thing I get every couple days and came across this:

VATICAN CITY, 19 DEC 2008 (VIS) - Yesterday afternoon was made public the declaration of the delegation of the Holy See to the 63rd session of the UN General Assembly on the theme: "Human Rights Questions, Including Alternative Approaches for Improving the Effective Enjoyment of Human Rights and Fundamental Freedoms".
...
"In particular, the categories 'sexual orientation' and 'gender identity', used in the text, find no recognition or clear and agreed definition in international law. If they had to be taken into consideration in the proclaiming and implementing of fundamental rights, these would create serious uncertainty in the law as well as undermine the ability of States to enter into and enforce new and existing human rights conventions and standards".

My first question, having just grasped the gravity of this, is: What the hell is the Vatican doing at the United Nations?

The short answer is that the Vatican has held a non-member Permanent Observer position at the United Nations since 1964. However, as evidenced above, "Observer" apparently also means speaker and commentator on just about anything that concerns them.

Let me put this another way: The United Nations has given Celestino Migliore, Titular Archbishop of Canosa, a representative of a single religion - Catholicism - that just happens to be mildly organized and sick fucking rich, a chair with a placard and room to speak on any items of concern to the Catholic Church. And while the Holy See has stood up for some great humanitarian causes, it also has a history of degrading every other religion in the world, disempowerment of women, and, as above, the slighting of equal rights for GLBT communities.

How exactly does that work? Celestino Migliore writes his name on a list and gets to bitch slap all the gays in the world? This is a man who represents a religion and has an unflappable conviction that homosexuals are sinning against God and will spend all of eternity burning in hell for their transgressions because if they were just steered in the right direction they could make the right "choice" and not be gay. And the UN offers him a few minutes to address representatives to the countries of the world on how this human rights issue should be handled?

WTF?

And where's the Permanent Observer for all the other sects of Christianity? Hindu religion? Or Islam, Buddhism, Judiasm, Zoroastrianism, and all their respective sects? I'm sure they'd all have some interesting things to say about things that happen at the UN.

...but I guess those folks don't have as fat a wallet as the Pope.

Yes, his is the one that says...

Phillips Daylight Window

This isn't brand spanking new, but it made me happy today:

Daddy Makes Good Pictures: Buckethead Deer

Yes, my father took this picture. No, I don't have an appropriate caption yet.

Story here.

Initial thoughts:

• Deer in Space!
• Generic Twizzlers = Delicious
• The vet didn't want me to lick my hoo-hoo...or eat...or drink...

Throw me a bone here. Captions in the comments. Please!

Sometimes Twitter Works

Read bottom-up. This is not a trick, but an existing page of my followed tweets.

I Love ShamWoW!

I have an unhealthy fascination, appreciation, and elation with that damn 2-minute ShamWoW commercial. I could watch it over and over and over again. I love every second from "Are you following me camera guy?" to "We can't do this all day" including the woman in the middle who looks like she doesn't "even use paper towels anymore" because she found herself eating them.



My worst sin about the whole thing? I don't own one. I know! It's only $20. What am I waiting for?!

On the other side of the coin, -- damn! My whole plan was to end this on how much I despise - and will change the channel reflexively - if I see the commercial for the car search engine put together by Time Warner: BeepBeep.com, but I cannot come up with one example of someone who has converted this video poison for consumption on the internets. Drat!

If anyone has a link to the diabolical video, pleas pass it on.

I Don't Even Know How to Categorize This

Play this game. It is called "i made this. you play this. we are enemies."

And I'm pretty sure it's not supposed to make sense.

h/t to Brent sans blog.

Cragslist and the Mysterious Hunger

I've been pulling some extra stress this holiday season with the job situation, both with me and the Missus (doesn't that suck - Merry Christmas!), so it was good to find something to cheer me up for the day. Trolling for misery has that effect.

Under Missed Connections:

Golden Corral around 5-6PM - w4m

did anyone see the guy with the red sweater and tight jeans?

Golden Corral, lovingly referred to as The Hog Trough, was apparently the scene of an oogling. This is wrong on so many levels, but let's hit the logic end:

At one of the 8 Golden Corrals in the Greater Cincinnati area, on some day around 5-6PM, a magnificent butter troll, while pausing for a rhythmic gasp from her feed bag, eyed a man, clad in tight blue jeans and a stunning red sweater. She felt a deeper, different hunger that drove her, at some later date, to make a vague plea to the internets to reveal the identity of the dashing stranger by the mashed potatoes.

Was it you?

Waiting for the Other Shoe to Launch

When I saw this in a news break yesterday during the finale of Survivor (Yay Bob!), it made my evening. Then it made my day today. Over and over and over again.



Finally, we get someone who wants to disagree with Bush, hand him what he deserves, and it's not some politician who has to play nice and not offend. Unfortunately, Bush probably didn't understand until someone explained it to him what a tremendous insult the sole of the shoe represents in the Arab world.

UPDATE: Al-Zaidi charged for throwing shoes in presence of Maliki, not for aiming at Bush

Playboy Virgin Mary, Bearing More than a Child

Just when you stop thinking about something, just as it loses pop culture and post-modern significance and relevance, it pops back into the world's waking state.

Playboy. Who woulda thunk?

LOS ANGELES, Dec 12 (Reuters) - A nude model resembling the Virgin Mary on the cover of the Mexican edition of Playboy magazine, published only days before a major Mexican festival dedicated to the mother of Jesus, prompted the company's U.S. headquarters on Friday to apologize.

The magazine, which hit newsstands on Dec. 1 as ceremonies began leading to Friday's pilgrimage to the Mexico City shrine of the Virgin of Guadalupe, showed a model wearing nothing but a white cloth over her head and breasts.

She is standing in front of a stained glass window with the cover line, "We Love You, Maria" in Spanish. The model's name is Maria Florencia Onori.

I have to say: Good show, Playboy! Marketing gold.

Here's probably how it played out:

Marketing Guy's Boss: But the Virgin Mary? In Mexico? Before the Guadalupe thing?
Marketing Guy: We will probably have to publicly apologize, but we will sell every copy we print, re-assert our relevance to an internet-porn-addicted public in both spirit and print, and offend the sensibilities of people who have never and will never buy our magazine. Except now, because it's naughty, they might.
Marketing Guy's Boss: We totally have to kiss now. Then raises for everyone!
Marketing Guy: Just remember that lotsa saliva is never sexy.

Good for you, Playboy!

Christmas Dress Up Jesus!

Can't quite get into that holiday spirit? Looking for some Xmas cheer? Christmas Jesus Dress Up is here to help!



This is your palette for a fabulous Flash app that allows you to build your very own Jesus in your image, adding features like a corn-cob pipe, snowman belly, and even a Christmas dress. I did not include all the costumes because the discovery of all the bits and pieces is more exciting in person.

Wait a minute?! Where's the Freddy Kreuger claw? you ask. How come no ball gag?

Simmer down, there, folks. Those buttons on the left will lead you to the Original, Celebrity, Holiday, Halloween, Villains, Oz, and BDSM Dress Up Jesus. No, I'm not fucking kidding.

Wait, there's more?

Yes. After you have your fun playing on the computer, you can kick over to this site and, as an answer to your prayers, make this joy manifest as fridge magnets. I know! Just in time for Xmas!

Thank you Normal Bob Smith; you have brought joy to this day and holiday season.

Music! Booth and the Bad Angel

What happens when you mix Tim Booth of James and Angelo Badalamenti, famed for composing the Twin Peaks music? Fabulousness. Enjoy.

Han Solo for Wildlife Preservation

Joking aside (just for a second), this Wild Aid / CAWT PSA with Harrison Ford is meaningful and striking for a very good cause. Take a look:



So who saw the alligator frozen in carbonite?



Han Solo rules.

Time for Jesus (or Hamsters): Walk on Water!

Again, from DVICE:

Indiana Jones Bracelet

Ever get in a fix where a 20 foot 550lb cable would save your life? Think that might happen in the future? Buy this.

The Survival Bracelet is made up of 15 to 20 feet of 550-pound test paracord. If you ever need it, simply unravel it and use the hook that's on one end. When you're done, you can send it back in to the manufacturer and they're rewind it back into a bracelet for you. Not a bad accessory for the adventurer on the go.

From DVICE.

Blagojevich Blowjob

Look at it one more time:

Blagojevich

Anyone else see "blowjob?" Every time?

Maybe it's just me.

Yes, Virginia, there are idiot douchebags on both sides of the aisle.

Building Christmas

This is my Christmas Tree. Every year, Mrs. Shambles - who spent a couple years decorating the trees in Cleveland's Galleria - wraps our five foot tree to the hilt, and every year it gets a little more intense and I have to run to the store to buy more lights. This year, we're up to around 1300 lights.

It is a wonder to behold. None of that half-assed couple strings to hit the ends of the branches. Mrs. Shambles digs deep and illuminates the entire tree.

Problem we had this year was we actually found a topper - a lovely star that actually shows up in the Home Depot commercial. It's something we've been looking for for years. This year, the topper and the end table we usually use are in conflict, as the 20 inch table pushes our lovely star into the ceiling. The table is necessary to make sure the entire tree is not lost by the 15 inches under the sill.

Result? Ricky Shambles, who is relatively handy, owns power tools, and measures everything twice before cutting has built a table. It couldn't have worked out better.

We had no time for a lumber trip, as I declared the build as soon as we ran into the problem. Measurements put our three-footed tree at a little less than 21 inches between toes and around that from the center of that point to the toe of the third.

By some miracle, I went into the basement to measure the only plank we had for the base of the table and it was 11" wide by 31" long. I almost peed myself. That means that if I cut 10" off the end, the resulting piece will be 21" and wide enough for the 2-toe support. Center the 10" piece and join it to the back and I've got another 21" to support the back toe.

I'm not going to go into more detail, but I've got a 5-leg table, built from leftovers from the last owner that, with a box of wood screws and some Gorilla Glue made the whole thing happen.



The slight bend in the front of the stand you see there is actually the warp in the board I was using. And, yes, I did compensate for that in the front legs so that all five are solidly on the ground.

Best building evar. Merry Christmas!

I Am Not Dead - Just Took a Geek Vacation

I'm sorry - I disappeared for a while.

Last week was a kind of hell I have not yet known and I let the blogging slack.

You see: I'm a member of Mensa (I know, I know). We had a regional gathering this past weekend. I was on the board. I was speaking about the internets.

The lead-up was devilish and punishing, the work was ever-present, but damn I had a good time while I was there.

Sorry. Won't slack like that again.

Cincinnati: Zoo + Creationism = Angry

We've got a pretty good Zoo facility here in Cincinnati. Unfortunately, they recently made a relatively horrible PR decision in attempting to hook up with the Creation Museum across the river. Fortunately, the locals here handed out an earful.

The Cincinnati Zoo and the Creation Museum launched a joint promotional deal last week to draw attention to their holiday attractions.
Advertisement

It worked, but not the way zoo and museum officials had hoped.

The zoo pulled out of the deal Monday after receiving dozens of angry calls and e-mails about the partnership, which offered reduced prices to anyone who bought tickets to the zoo’s Festival of Lights and the museum’s Christmas celebration, Bethlehem’s Blessing.

Most of the protests echoed the same theme: the Creation Museum promotes a religious point of view that conflicts with the zoo’s scientific mission.

Some complained that the zoo, which receives public support through a tax levy, should not become involved with a private museum dedicated to the teachings of the Bible’s Book of Genesis. Others said a scientific institution shouldn’t link itself to a place that argues man once lived side by side with dinosaurs.

“They seem like diametrically opposed institutions,” said Dr. James Leach, a Cincinnati radiologist who e-mailed zoo officials about his concerns. “The Cincinnati Zoo is one of this city’s treasures. The Creation Museum is an international laughingstock.”

The Creation Museum is still on my list of places I must visit and blog about.

The Winks: Enamored with Canada

For those of you who have been following, I'm a crackhead but for Sirius instead of crack. Politics aside (yes, it happens!), I get my joy from CBC Radio 3 (Sirius 86), which is wonderful Canadian independent music station with a very low "tired" rating. Today I heard the Winks sing about my state.

This is a visual mash-up, but the audio is clean. Drink it in.

The OMB DIR's WIG

This is Peter Orszag, this Tuesday, graduating from director of the Congressional Budget Office to Obama's choice as the director of the Office of Management and Budget.



Perhaps with the pay increase, he can splurge on something that is not the epitome of the phrase "wig helmet." I don't know that I've seen a more obvious hairpiece, and I spent many years in community theatre.

Damn.

Kitty Jump: FAIL

A Moment for Our Brave Canines

I get my share of email glurge, but this one showed up today, sans title, and hit me before I had my morning coffee.



It's a doberman dogs of war memorial in Guam: "In the battle of Guam, a Doberman named Kurt saved the lives of 250 Marines when he warned them of Japanese troops ahead. Kurt is honored by a life-sized bronze and granite memorial on Guam. Carved into the stone are names of 25 other Dobermans who gave their lives there."

Fear of Death? Good News!

(image found at ELITALICE)

I like to think I have a pretty solid grasp on reality. Unfortunately, part of that, from a spiritual perspective, means having some level of acceptance - or at least understanding - of mortality, that we all, one day, will be dead.

What happens after is, for everyone, a level of subjective conjecture. Nobody "knows" and the best chance at peace comes with faith that your flavor of afterlife is the right one.

But I don't have a real firm hold of my own mortality, although it edges closer at times like my grandfather's recent death. And while I have what I would consider a level of a conviction of the afterlife, I don't think there is anything that I'm 100% about; I always have questions, doubts. My current condition stems from a mix of leaving the Catholic Church at 16, mind-expanding drugs, and that vampire fascination I had so many years ago (um, Anne Rice, not that Twilight tripe), along with not believing all things fiction are necessarily fiction (remember, not 100%).

So, basically, it's fear of the unknown, that over-encompassing catch-all that causes so many problems in the world. I kid myself that I may not have to worry about it, that by the time I get old enough to worry, technology will have created a cure for just about everything. And then this story comes out, basically saying that:

Researchers believe boosting the amount of a naturally forming enzyme in the body could prevent cells dying and so lead to extended, healthier, lifespans.

The protein telomerase helps maintain the protective caps at the ends of chromosomes which act like the ends of shoelaces and stop them unravelling.

As we age, and our cells divide, these caps become frayed and shorter and eventually are so damaged that the cell dies. Scientists believe boosting our natural levels of telomerase could rejuvenate them.

A team at the Spanish National Cancer Centre in Madrid tested the theory on mice and found that those genetically engineered to produce 10 times the normal levels of telomerase lived 50 per cent longer than normal.

And my middle finger cranks towards that big guy in the black cloak because if we can kick that average up to 120, by the time we get there, we'll have mastered 160, etc.

Don't get me wrong; my vision of what happens after we die is much more fun and liberating than everyday life. But what if it all just goes away? "Death is part of life" or "Renew! Renew!" Sometimes they sound the same to me. That's why Logan ran.

(Yes, this entire post was a buildup to a mid-70's sci-fi movie reference. Snap!)

Ricky's Wisdom Today - 11/21/08

If we live our lives continually motivated by anger and hatred, even our physical health deteriorates.

      - His Holiness the Dalai Lama

Bush as Anathema

Think Progress had this vid up:



This is so sad, I don't know if I can even muster any schadenfreude. But it does show one thing: either every world leader is a douchebag who doesn't understand us or this lame duck POTUS has damaged the way the world looks at us and, specifically, him.

I have friends in different countries and have always heard that they love Americans and all things American - except our leadership. Our leadership sucks. I have to agree, and the past 8 years and this video bears that out.

Annual Turkey Cruelty

This is undercover footage of an enormous turkey breeding operation in West Virginia, Avigen. Their website says "The spirit of innovation lives on." And by innovation they mean stomping on turkey heads and slamming them into other objects to kill them.

No boobs or swearing or human suffering, so I guess it's safe for work. Not safe for your mental health or Thanksgiving plans.



I had to turn it off after about a minute.

Funny-Sad in Cincinnati

From the Cincinnati Enquirer:

Homearama seeks less-pricey site

The Greater Cincinnati Home Builders Association has called off plans to hold its 2009 Homearama home show in the upscale neighborhood of Long Cove in Deerfield Township.
...
Hendricks said the lingering credit crunch and sluggish economy made it difficult for some builders and would-be home buyers to get financing at higher prices.

I would also guess that looking at very large, absurdly expensive homes in this economy might prove depressing:

"Hey, honey, let's go look at these homes we can't afford."

"We can't afford our home."

"Oooohhhhhhgh."

Ricky's Wisdom Today - 11/18/08

I almost just typed "09" in the year. Oh, it's coming.

Subhuti said: "If I understand correctly, one who wishes to reach perfect wisdom should study the way things are in the world and should practice the perfections fully and in depth but should not believe them to be ultimately real, nor should he make concepts and doctrines out of them."

The Buddha replied: "Just so, Subhuti. The one who contemplates existence in this way knows the nature of the conditioned and of the unconditioned and makes himself an expert in pointing out the truth to others, both with words and without words."

Subhuti asked: "But is this just for the wise and the intelligent?"

"No, indeed," replied the Buddha. "This is open to all, even to the dull witted and to those who can't pay attention. The door is open to anyone who wants to tread this path--but not to the person who is lazy and indifferent."

-Prajnaparamita

Staying Sane

Times Online have something to be said about staying sane and becoming happy:

Steps to happiness

Connect
Developing relationships with family, friends, colleagues and neighbours will enrich your life and bring you support

Be active
Sports, hobbies such as gardening or dancing, or just a daily stroll will make you feel good and maintain mobility and fitness

Be curious
Noting the beauty of everyday moments as well as the unusual and reflecting on them helps you to appreciate what matters to you

Learn
Fixing a bike, learning an instrument, cooking – the challenge and satisfaction brings fun and confidence

Give
Helping friends and strangers links your happiness to a wider community and is very rewarding

Do you have time to do each of these every day?

Personally and recently, I'm finding myself a mess. I have a theory that if I just meditate every morning, do some sort of exercising or weight training, and smoke a cigarette, I'd be a much happier person.

Daily regimens requested from my readers: how do you stay sane/alive/in-the-moment (am I reaching too far?)?

Jesus Jokes II

A crowd is gathering. A woman is screaming. They are pulling her to a post in the middle of the square, all of them collecting stones.

As they bind her to the post in the middle of the town, Jesus steps up, saying "You without sin cast the first stone."

Silence.

Then, out of the back of the crowd, a stone whirs forward and strikes the woman dead.

Jesus looks around and says "Damn it, Ma, sometimes you really piss me off!"

Jesus Jokes

Jesus walks into an inn, slaps down three spikes and says "Hey, can you put me up for the night?"

The Living Room Paint Parade

As noted on a previous post, here's the process and results of our living room.


We did our best to get the right color



Seriously, we did our best


We had to prime first


Of course, this picture doesn't do justice to the green

Obviously, it started as some sort of golden ideal, but manifested in what we found as "Sour Lime" but after looking at it like to refer to it as "Avocado Delight."

The problem with painting any room is that you have to deal with the light that reflects off that paint and defines that color to your eye. Our living room is not exactly bright, except when the front door is opened. So we have "bright closed," "bright opened," "cloudy closed," and "cloudy opened." For the evening hours - as this was going all the way down the hall - we have incandescent and compact fluorescent bulb light. This, should you ever have a similar experience, creates 6 different versions of what you put on the wall.

I think we hit it right.

Thoughts?

Marian Call - Get This!

Marian Call is a favorite find of mine, a brilliant artist. I purchased her first album online.

And now she's got another album coming out, just for the nerds. That's right: NEEERRRRRRRDDDS!

And by nerds, I mean - or she means - songs that indirectly relate to Firefly and Battlestar Galactica. Totally hot.

You can hear a good example of what she does on her MySpace page. Check out the info on her new album here.

I Got This at IKEA

Not really, just a cute photo of my niece.

This Is Why Organized Religion is Defunct

I swear my grandparents had this print in their apartment

Primarily, Catholicism is an absurd anachronism, a bloated, dying whale, flailing on the beach, an organization that promises the way to God but is, in fact, deterrent in its nature by the inherent structure of hoops and hypocrisy.

Let's look at South Carolina today:

A South Carolina Roman Catholic priest has told his parishioners that they should refrain from receiving Holy Communion if they voted for Barack Obama because the Democratic president-elect supports abortion, and supporting him "constitutes material cooperation with intrinsic evil."

The Rev. Jay Scott Newman said in a letter distributed Sunday to parishioners at St. Mary's Catholic Church in Greenville that they are putting their souls at risk if they take Holy Communion before doing penance for their vote.

"Our nation has chosen for its chief executive the most radical pro-abortion politician ever to serve in the United States Senate or to run for president," Newman wrote, referring to Obama by his full name, including his middle name of Hussein.

What a fucking douche.

This priest is saying that if you support a guy who has an idea that is against the human-fabricated doctrine of the church, then you're just as bad as him.

Lest we forget that Jesus congregated with liars and thieves. His mission was one of love and compassion, not of structure and pomp, circumstance and silk robes. The Catholic church is running a show where very few take seriously their stance on birth control, many support the pro-choice movement, and just about everyone wonders why the phallocentric mastery doesn't whither a little and allow women to be priests. The last pope invoked infallibility, basically saying that God doesn't want women to be priests.

The Catholic church has lost Jesus, and God only lives in the churches because God lives everywhere. If God could put a sign on the Vatican, it would read: "Under Old Management - Salvation now found elsewhere."

Fielding Oral Sex

Today (names have been changed to protect the absurdly under age):

Little Shambles: There's a rumor going around about Bob and Sally, but I don't think it's true.

Me: Yeah?

LS: Yeah, everyone's talking about it.

Me (throwing out the inevitable): Is it that they're having sex?

LS: No, people are saying Sally gave Bob a blow job and I totally don't think it's true.

Me: Wow. Well remember that if you ever have any questions....

LS: I know, Dad.

Synopsis: My daughter is in 7th grade and today was the first time I've ever heard her say "blow job."

**shivers**

My Favorite Painting in Cincinnati

Earlier this year, I visited the Cincinnati Art Museum for the first time in my life. And I fell in love. With this:


The Midnight Mass by Edward Timothy Hurley

Much more impressive in person, this painting struck me. Done all in deep blues with white highlights, a town in silence, covered in snow. That night quiet, every echo and word and scream muffled by the coating of Winter, I felt peace. And quiet. And sadness. Sadness because the only color aside from the blue/white wash was that church window. The only warmth was the parish.

And I didn't want to be there.

I identified myself with the observer, because - obviously - someone had to paint it. Late, alone, in the cold, and outside. I am that guy. Not because I don't like gatherings or don't like church (not that I do), but because I know inherently that I am not one of those people, in the cold, gathered in the church, at midnight. There is much more important work to do.

I just hope Hurley had a friend or two to drink a late glass of wine with while painting this.

No.

A friend to see it afterwords. The painting was created alone. Quietly. With aid of a heavy coat and the padding of snow.

This is not the Grinch hearing the song of the Whos, but reality: no malice, no anger, but a somber realization that sometimes, just sometimes, it's okay to be alone, to be quiet, and to enjoy it.

Love it.

Disagreeing with Dems - Fairness Takeover

Lest anyone - gods forbid - think I am a left wing mouthpiece, allow me to hit on two things that have been mentioned in the media in the past couple days.

Dems Target Private Retirement Accounts

Democrats in the U.S. House have been conducting hearings on proposals to confiscate workers’ personal retirement accounts — including 401(k)s and IRAs — and convert them to accounts managed by the Social Security Administration.

Triggered by the financial crisis the past two months, the hearings reportedly were meant to stem losses incurred by many workers and retirees whose 401(k) and IRA balances have been shrinking rapidly.

Holy box of fuck, NO! Stop! I'm the furthest thing from right wing, jizz-clappy, Reagan-idol-worship, but this is not right. Ever. Even if all the money drains from every 401(k): wrong.

You see, when you take the initiative to invest in a retirement plan, you are given all the tools you need to make your choices. If you choose to NOT study up or take more risk than you should, then you're at a loss. If you invest in a low-yield, low risk funds that will weather this storm, you're in luck (honestly, if you're not retiring in the next 10 years, leave everything alone - you'll be back on your feet before you know it, or lose everything when the world ends in 2012).

But the Government does not have the right to take private funds and control them. Does anyone else have any other information on this? I'd like to hear it because the story scares the hell out of me.

The Fairness Doctrine

The right's chattering, the left has mentioned bringing it back. Stop. For the love of the hairy balls of Jesus H. Christ, stop this madness.

The fairness doctrine, for those who do not know, was abolished in 1987 as a way to present controversial issues in a "balanced" manner for anyone who has a broadcast license. After it was gone? Hundreds - nay, thousands - of political talk radio shows have been spawned, most of them polarized.

Right now, the right wingnutters hold the scepter of broadcast talk radio. And that's fine. Why? Two reasons:

1. Would you prefer that political douchebags like Limbaugh and Hannity mask their abject disgust towards democrats and gays and, occasionally, colored folk or allow them to dump their bigotry for all to see?
2. Liberals, for the most part, already own the internet. Why? I'm not sure, but it appears that the ingenuity and learning required to become tech-savvy beyond logging onto your AOL email or typing "www.google.com" into MSN's search box eludes these folks. TV is going to go digital and lose millions of viewers to confusion in about 2 months. If that ever happened to radio, goodbye Rush.

So note to democrats: Stop. During this election cycle, the Nazi right pulled a lot of shit to make us sound like government-takeover nutjobs.

Don't prove them right.

Blogging Pause Unpaused - Fam Painting

Looks like I've been out for a couple days here. Time just melts away.

Spent the weekend with my folks who were in town with one of my sisters and my niece. We went across the river to Newport, did some window shopping at the levee, spent way too much at GameWorks - for the kids, of course. Shooting zombies had nothing to do with it. It's like a Dave & Busters, if you're familiar with that franchise, although not as big. But you can still pay $50, convert your credits to tokens, receive tickets as a prize, and purchase $8 of crap for those tickets.

We also spent some time visiting some local restaurants because - seriously - Cincinnati has some damn good eats. We hit the Dilly Cafe (formerly Dilly Deli) and Bella Luna, which will show up on that other blog I manage if I can get my ass in gear to actually write something on it. I've also got to put Seny out there because - damn - that's some maxed-out quality on all levels.

Then the 'rents left and we were left with the big plan: paint. So after a Sunday of prep and Monday and Tuesday of painting, we're done. Painting at least. The saddest part was turning the OMG-My-Parents-Are-Coming pristine cleanliness into a dismantling so we can put it all back together again.

Before/After pictures updated here later today.

[UPDATE: See here for pictures.]

So that's my story. I know. I know. I missed you too.